Duggars on Intimacy in Marriage
In honor of Valentine's Day, TODAY Moms interviewed Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar on maintaining marital intimacy while raising 19 children. (This post is the edited, more family-friendly version of the original article released by TODAY.)
1. Wives: Make Time for Your Husband
Michelle shares the advice that a friend gave her many years ago: "She said, 'In your marriage there will be times you're going to be very exhausted. Your hubby comes home after a hard day's work, you get the baby to bed, and he is going to be looking forward to that time with you. Be available. Anyone can fix him lunch, but only one person can meet that physical need of love that he has, and you always need to be available when he calls.'"
Even when Michelle is exhausted after a long day of homeschooling, disciplining and keeping up with her brood, she purposes to set aside time to spend with her husband. "That has been such a lifesaver for our marriage," the mom of 19 told TODAY Moms.
Jim Bob agrees: "We're like a newlywed couple every day!" said the dad of 19.
2. But give it a rest sometimes.
Jim bob and Michelle have chosen to follow Old Testament principles of abstinence, not because they feel the have to, but because they have found that abstinence makes the heart grow fonder. They abstain for a week each month, as well as for 80 days after the birth of a girl and 40 days after a boy is born. "When you've missed it for seven days, you look forward to it even more," said Michelle.
3. Treat your wife like a queen.
In addition to physical intimacy, the Duggars also stress the importance of emotional intimacy. They send each other "I love you" texts when they're apart, and Jim Bob likes to surprise his wife with flowers and other tokens of his affection.
"That's key in a relationship, the husband needs to cherish his wife and always treat his wife like a queen," said Jim Bob. Michelle responds by showing her husband the respect and support that he deserves.
4. The strong, silent type is overrated.
"He shares his heart with me, his struggles, his fears and his dreams," Michelle told TODAY Moms. "Many men would not do that, but God's word says that before honor comes humility. When he learns to humble himself before God and me, it builds him up so much in my eyes."
5. Perfectionism kills romance.
According to Jim Bob, "Expectations ruin relationships." He has made it his personal goal to leave his perfectionism and detail-oriented tendencies at work. That allows the father of 19 to develop an attitude of love towards his wife and children and to praise them as often as he can.
You've heard them mention this many times before, but Jim Bob and Michelle have made weekly date nights a habit. Their date nights usually take place on Saturday evenings, but with 19 kids and a loaded schedule, the couple often has to get creative to squeeze in their time together. When they are at home, Michelle has a favorite ice cream shop that she likes to visit.
7. Never stop learning.
That's one of Michelle's favorite mantras. "Life is a classroom," she tells her kids. "You never stop learning." This advice rings true in her marriage, as well. Although it might seem like the Duggars have it all figured out, they will be the first to tell you that they don't. After almost 30 years of marriage, Jim Bob and Michelle are always on the lookout for marriage advice.
Once of their favorite pieces of advice came from an Amish couple who had been married for 50 years. According to this man and his wife, the secret to a healthy marriage is remembering the phrases "I was wrong" and "Will you forgive me?"
1. Wives: Make Time for Your Husband
Michelle shares the advice that a friend gave her many years ago: "She said, 'In your marriage there will be times you're going to be very exhausted. Your hubby comes home after a hard day's work, you get the baby to bed, and he is going to be looking forward to that time with you. Be available. Anyone can fix him lunch, but only one person can meet that physical need of love that he has, and you always need to be available when he calls.'"
Even when Michelle is exhausted after a long day of homeschooling, disciplining and keeping up with her brood, she purposes to set aside time to spend with her husband. "That has been such a lifesaver for our marriage," the mom of 19 told TODAY Moms.
Jim Bob agrees: "We're like a newlywed couple every day!" said the dad of 19.
Jim Bob (19) and Michelle (17) on their wedding day in 1984
Jim bob and Michelle have chosen to follow Old Testament principles of abstinence, not because they feel the have to, but because they have found that abstinence makes the heart grow fonder. They abstain for a week each month, as well as for 80 days after the birth of a girl and 40 days after a boy is born. "When you've missed it for seven days, you look forward to it even more," said Michelle.
The Duggars as newlyweds
In addition to physical intimacy, the Duggars also stress the importance of emotional intimacy. They send each other "I love you" texts when they're apart, and Jim Bob likes to surprise his wife with flowers and other tokens of his affection.
The Duggars in the early '80s
"He shares his heart with me, his struggles, his fears and his dreams," Michelle told TODAY Moms. "Many men would not do that, but God's word says that before honor comes humility. When he learns to humble himself before God and me, it builds him up so much in my eyes."
Jim Bob and Michelle in 2012
According to Jim Bob, "Expectations ruin relationships." He has made it his personal goal to leave his perfectionism and detail-oriented tendencies at work. That allows the father of 19 to develop an attitude of love towards his wife and children and to praise them as often as he can.
Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar before their marriage in 1984
6. Make time for date night.
You've heard them mention this many times before, but Jim Bob and Michelle have made weekly date nights a habit. Their date nights usually take place on Saturday evenings, but with 19 kids and a loaded schedule, the couple often has to get creative to squeeze in their time together. When they are at home, Michelle has a favorite ice cream shop that she likes to visit.
Still sweet on you: Despite a literal bus-load of kids, Michelle and Jim Bob make time for a date night every week.
That's one of Michelle's favorite mantras. "Life is a classroom," she tells her kids. "You never stop learning." This advice rings true in her marriage, as well. Although it might seem like the Duggars have it all figured out, they will be the first to tell you that they don't. After almost 30 years of marriage, Jim Bob and Michelle are always on the lookout for marriage advice.
Once of their favorite pieces of advice came from an Amish couple who had been married for 50 years. According to this man and his wife, the secret to a healthy marriage is remembering the phrases "I was wrong" and "Will you forgive me?"
A shared love of fantastic hair kept the Duggars together over the years: Just kidding, their shared values and faith in God were probably more important. Still, the hair doesn't hurt.
Happy Valentine's Day to all of our lovely readers!
Happy Valentine's Day to all of our lovely readers!
Duggars on Intimacy in MarriageDuggars on Intimacy in Marriage
